Summer Notes on Winter Impressions

yellow teacup and floral bedspread in afternoon sun back on the east coast with buttons like my mother's waiting for my appointment and the video thinking back to that november day lost on my way to dostoevsky's house not that he'd be there of course already saw pushkin's death mask and bought tickets at the opera house window thought i'd follow the map turn right off the nevsky down wet grey pavements clattered rust red trams on buckled tracks and those neon coffee house signs reflected by the last metro station where i took off my glove to light a cigarette the cheap cigarettes the men smoke on night trains in china before spitting from a blue box of cigarettes one turned upside down last night by the boy in the bar 'for luck' he said pass two kids with bright bobble hats just like she used to knit for me they were in a dusty doorway and the highway roaring towers of cyrillic clouds and mud on the decreasing curb side and dogs there were always dogs coming tails curling to me at moments like this primal fear in my throat and think of that dark mustard smelling house with the rotten toothed children playing with scarlet by the bars on the stair case and there was a woman thin lipped stumbling across the street by the factory chimney held my arm and fell to the ground into the gutter wrenched her up and she pursed her mouth toward mine thrust a soiled handkerchief into my fingers purple flower embroidered in the corner and i just ran ran across a wooden bridge where green headed ducks swam below me in purple oil pools had dreamt drunk of ducks just the night before on my too small bed sheets under water 'up tails all' pecking at my face as water had crashed through the windshield men behind now a bottle in each clenched fist and before me beggars with polystyrene cups for kopeks and tourists with intrusive lenses in the graveyard i remember my father was here back in 89 he showed me red carnations broken glass and a photograph of old friends but i don't remember the story maybe there wasn't one just wanted us to share something for once or maybe i just didn't hear put him on loudspeaker while i did the washing up and stared out at the garden