Here's Johnny!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Christmas Post


Hoorah the festive season is upon us again! Christmas is a very special time in the Little House on the Flatlands because not only will there be lots of Lego, but also it is the only time of year when I am sanctioned to drink martinis.

I’m keen on gin at the best of times, but I have an unhealthy passion for martinis. I used to get very excited about the correct manufacture of them but over the years have come to realize that all that bollocks about bruising the alcohol, etc. is just that - bollocks. Consequently, I have now perfected the art of martini manufacture, and it goes like this:

Buy the largest bottle of the most expensive gin that your wife will let you get away with and half-fill a large wine glass. Add a trickle of dry Martini and swirl the mixture around the glass in a vague manner. Drink contents, then repeat process until either you are summoned to eat something (switch to red wine), the gin runs out (switch to wife’s rum), or you fall unconscious, pouring contents of the glass over yourself. Olives are optional, but only in a bowl by the side of your glass; never, ever, put them in the drink.

As I said this is the only time of year I’m allowed to do this. It is accompanied every year by dire warnings as to what will happen if I ‘misbehave’. Misbehaviour is defined as getting lary with the in-laws (this has never happened, but my protests of innocence are of no avail) or vomiting, particularly in the car.

Being a mature adult and responsible parent, I am actually very good over the festive season these days. However Mrs effay refuses to forget the crimes of my youth, such as visiting her parents for Christmas; drinking a bottle of Black Bush on the journey from London to Norwich; and falling out of the car upon arrival. There was also the time when I misjudged the acid that I had taken on Christmas Eve, and found myself still completely out of it the next day. I proceeded to drink myself into delirium on vodka so that my family would have a reason for my odd behaviour.

Anyway, Happy Christmas to y’all. I hope you get what you want and not what you deserve.

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