sweet effay

Them what know me know that, due to various horrors incurred for sins in past lives, I’m a bit wobbly on my pins at times. So I’m standing on a footstool playing DIY hero when my knee gives way. No worries I think as I tumble down, I’m only a foot or so off the ground. By some horrendous quirk of fate, undoubtedly brought about by all the bad karma I have generated being rude to people. I manage to fall in such a way that I smash my right eye socket into the handle of the hoover. Does it have the soft brush attachment on the end? No, it has the big hard plastic thing for sucking shit up from crevices. By some miracle I manage not to enucleate myself, but I now resemble Two-Face: My left side is the usual mixture of boyish good looks and rugged charm, whilst the interesting discolouration around my right eye is distinctly reminiscent of Alice Cooper. Not, I should stress, Alice back in the days when he was cool and sounding like he meant it when he sang 'I Love the Dead', but Alice as he is now; haggard and with badly applied make up.

Going out in public should be fun: People will either think that I’ve come off worse in a fight (“No, the man we are looking for is the one who gave him those scars”), or I can tell them the truth and they’ll think I’m the sort of twat who can’t even be trusted with a vacuum cleaner...