sweet effay

Re the cruiseship : it was a Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD), these are becoming quite standard now. The pirates were quite interesting, as they were tooled up with RPGs (rocket propelled grenades) - however the hell they were actually meant to make it from their crappy craft onto the 'Seabourn Spirit', though, is another matter. Almost every major cruise line these days hires Gurkhas, who handle onboard security. I once met an off-duty Gurkha in a pub in Notting Hill, and he told me the most effective way to break someone's face is by using a knifehandchop, rather than a clenched fist. He could put his pints away, I'll tell you that. You get a lot of so-called maritime security consultants who'll tell you the best deterrent to piracy is using fire hoses and whistles, but if you want a really cheap source, just get a load of attack dogs onboard. Incidentally, don't ever go on a cruise, it's fucking boring.

I saw an actual picture of these "pirates", as showed on the evening news (-captain was norwegian, so of course our news is falling over themselves to cover it-)
....They were just six or seven scruffy-looking blokes in a tiny tiny motor boat, armed with big bazooka guns and grenades or something...

Still, they managed to shoot a hole in the ship's body, alledgedly....

I'm guessing that the pirates' plan was to ride alongside the cruise ship in their little boat yelling "Ahoy their ye landlubbing scum, look at our big weapons! Toss down some valuables or we will shoot some more holes in your ship and sink it!"

Still, this is beside the point. Martin, what the bloody hell were you doing on a cruise? Was one of the crap jobs that you forgot to mention being a cabaret singer in the QE2 cocktail bar?

If only... I was sent out there by work (we publish mags about shipping - see, I can sense your eyelids drooping even now) around 2001, along with 4 other hacks, onto a new cruiser - they sailed us from the UK to Italy, then kicked us off and flew us back. It was 14 decks of boredom. We'd have some bloke showing us around the engine rooms, then be left to our own devices, and I caught a seriously bad dose of claustrophobia- seriously, there's only so many theme restaurants, atmosphere-less casinos, sterile bars ('Sporting Heroes! Pics of Baseball Players! And a fucking Man U Banner!') and Hugo Boss outlets a boy can stand. As for the entertainments, they had some little cunts on ice partaking in vile Disney-style perversions, and the cinema was a load of old gushy Hollywood bosh. Things weren't helped by the fact my only spare change of clothes was a pair of tatty jeans, DMs and a mohair jumper, which instantly segregated me from all the paying passengers. I thought the 'nightclub' might be a laugh, but it was crap too. I mean, it was great if you wanted to listen to stuff off the Blues Bros soundtrack and watch a load of couples trying to dance...

The other hacks were really awful, one was OK, he used to work on Record Mirror in the 70s and once interviewed the Stranglers, but unfortunately he was convinced that we'd find some onboard sauna where all the SE Asian / Croatian female crew would be hanging out, desperate for sex and saucy shennanigans. Seeing as they're squashed into cramped cabins, paid peanuts, work 14-16 hour shifts and regularly get sexually harrassed by their male counterparts, I didn't really share his optimism. There was a complete arsehole who worked for "What Cruise?" mag, who spent the whole time yelling about he knew John Prescott. Everyone was staring me and tutting on the pool deck whenever I lit a fag. I ended up getting trolleyed with one of the PR blokes, tried to break into a fag machine, and puked up in one of the lifts. I cried with relief when we pulled into port, I'll never go on one again.

Yeah, what he said. But the best deterrent to stop modern-day pirates raiding luxury cruise-liners is, of course, a simultaneous attack by a Giant Octopus...

(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118956/usercomments)

Those cruise ships go the next level when it comes to the fit-out stage.. Anyway, shiver me timbers but i think there's something very disturbing about calling the Somalians and any other modern-day maritime hustlers "pirates"....