sweet effay

As we head into the realms of becoming-bird, courtesy of the H5N1 virus (although don’t you have to bathe in infected chickens’ blood to actually catch the thing?), it’s heart-warming to see reciprocation in the other direction as the ravens follow Sir Walter Raleigh et al. into jail at the Tower of London. A shame for the ravens, but obviously this is vital for national security as if there are no ravens at the Tower, Blighty is set to fall into the hands of Muslims, Communists, or the like.

I have always been impressed by the lateral thinking of the individual who solved the raven problem in the first place. You can just imagine, the monarch holding court at the Tower back in the Dark Ages, when a messenger comes rushing in:
“Your majesty, I bring grave news from your sorcerer. He has been in communication with the Spirits and they have told him that if all the ravens leave the Tower, your kingdom will fall!”
Much consternation as news spreads through the kingdom, and the king calls a special meeting of his wisest councillors to discuss what can be done about the problem. They are all shaking their empty heads miserably when the youth who serves the wine pipes up.
“Sire, I know a way to ensure your kingdom never falls.’ Cue much hilarity and insults from the councillors. “Silence! Let the youth speak.” calls the king.
“Well sire, if you clip the birds’ wings they will never be able to leave and so, long as you maintain a successful breeding programme and have an emergency quarantine plan should ill-humoured poultry arrive from the East, then fair Albion will last until the Final Trump is played.”
Amazement all round, hearty congratulations, and the young lad is immediately made Baron of Crawley.

Sadly though, it’s generally accepted that the raven legend was made up during the nineteenth century (undoubtedly by a Gothic revivalist; you know what Goths are like about ravens). After all, who would have bothered about ravens in the medieval England when the Tower was home to bears, lions, and anything else that enterprising travellers thought of picking up abroad to bring back and amuse the folks back home with?