EMPIRE
Ronald Reagan:
the greatest puppet

Like a South American beneficiary of Ronald "fucking dangerous idiot" Reagan's policies in that continent, sorry, 'backyard', I have been administering electric shocks, castration, limb amputation (well, snipping off the aerial) and a variety of clamps to the television over the past WEEK of tortuous media coverage of the death of the United States' most formidably successful amateur entertainer.

The list of vacuous dignitaries, past and present, eagerly lining up to (literally) take their piece of history through lying and exaggerating about Reagan's achievement as a political mime artist, has been depressingly predictable. Colonel Oliver North's valuable contribution was framed by Fox News as coming from a 'hero of the campaign for a free and democratic Nicaragua'. It's a good job that Hitler never lived, what with such stiff and well organised competition amongst the middling ranks of ex-U.S. Army staff.

Thatcher said (in her pre-recorded Reagan frig-off): "He knew his own mind." More lies. She obviously didn't visit him much toward the end of his life. Perhaps that's what he missed in his treatment, Thatcher's iron strap-on.

Obviously, the Reagan Foundation have been preparing this mass assault on historical fact for the 10 years since Reagan's brain realised that it was in the body of an idiot and decided to commit staggered suicide by calling in the Alzheimer's squad. The rest of the world is obviously being made to pay for this betrayal of Reagan (by his brain) through ten days of blanket and repetitive lying in order to inculcate that mendacity in the most malleable of records - an American's brain.

They have also, in true pioneer/entrepreneur fashion, been preparing to profit from dull concepts of respect and memory in the event of his overdue demise. The song 'I remember Ronald Reagan' is a truly appropriate theme of memorial, capturing, as it does, his parochial simplicity and strained attempts at talking.

Reagan is only interesting in that the vested interests which run America called upon a failed actor to try and convince the crucial 30% who win elections that they were infinitely superior to the rest of the world by mere fact of nationality (although some Americans are, of course, more superior than others). So they took a risk by having a 7-year commercial break where a politically aware President should have been. And the media representative amongst this clique of doom ensured that objectivity would never be applied to their coverage of his statements/behaviour/fondness for the demented outbursts from his wife's astrologer.

If the monolithic idiots in the Kremlin had been real fuckers we'd all be working out new ways to eat through our throats and writing with fused fingers, as a more maniacal Russian President than Gorbachev would have not reacted too well to Ronnie's saloon threats (in Reykjavik) and those nuclear symbols of the human capacity to implode would have been launched from both sides.

But rather than acknowledge that Gorbachev (as well as realising that fascism on the left is as execrable, if not more, than fascism of the right) was looking for a place in history as well and that it did take some balls to effectively admit to millions of Russians and other enslaved nationalities "actually, you are right, we are being bastards to you but power's just so enticing - look at Ronnie", Reagan does the decent American thing and wrings every last political opportunity out of the end of ideological opposition by saying: "we won, they lost. God bless America." Simplistic? Never. Anti-education? Can't be true. Fucking puppet? Possibly.

• Reagan's support for apartheid (The Age)

The north east of England. Renowned for a glorious and suicidally intense social life (big with a double, er, g); market leaders in passionate commitment to resident football clubs; heavy industry; call centres; Ant and Dec and the Labour Party.

More observant malcontents will have noted that the last of these characteristics has exerted a malign influence over the rest of the country in recent years and helps explain why this region, celebrated for its rebellious nature/culture, needs to be exposed as, once again, the lair of weak, maniacal, messianic, duplicitous and corrupt Labour politicians. The monkey elected as mayor in Mandelson's Hartlepool principality accidentally represents the monkey that is on the back of our political system and the Labour Party especially.

It's not as if there's no historical precedent of dodgy fuckos using the stagnant regional supremacy of the north east Labour Party to line their own pockets. The T Dan Smith housing debacle of the 1960's was reprised to good effect in the Christopher Ecclestone, Gina McKee and Alun Armstrong fronted BBC drama 'Our F(r)iends in the North'.

Not only did that (potentially) salutary political experience germinate good subsequent drama it also spawned, sadly, the career of Dr Jack Cunningham MP, a true political anaesthetist who continues to be wheeled out whenever Blair feels he needs someone with a solid Labour history (just don't scratch the surface) to talk up the latest progressive policy opportunity he's pissed up the wall (and into the gutter of ever present vested interests). Jack's dad exposed the T Dan Smith housing scandal and Cunningham Jr has been living off his dad's excellent journalism (and a lucrative sideline in industrial chemical processes) ever since (coming up to 40 years now).

This brings us onto the Blairite cabal which has been painstakingly assembled over the last 20 years and features some of the most combative banalities and thrilled conduits ever to hold office. Stephen Byers (converted to capitalism), David Miliband (tall), Hilary Armstrong (jut jawed Methodist Chief Whip who spun the original line of 'Hitler appeasers' against opponents of Operation Iraqi Freedumb), Alan Milburn (the former Health Secretary is now being paid by an American health 'care' company which wants to see the privatisation of the NHS and yet he is still being allowed to write sections of Labour's next General Election manifesto), Amanda J. Mandelson (sucking himself off at time of print), Nick Brown (claims to be a supporter of Gordon Brown now but the difference is, of course, negligible) and the messiah of executive conservatism himself, Mr Anthony H. Blair.

Bliar, Cunningham, Byers, Mandelson, Miliband, Milburn

Of course, the MP for Sunderland, Chris Mullin, has always been a bit of an independent thinker and after failing (finding civil servants annoying obstacles, apparently) in the fledgling DETR, it was imperative that he was found another job in government. Chris is now in the Foreign Office helping prevent the perpetual Newcastle v Sunderland dispute from deteriorating even further. This is not his ministerial brief, of course, but is a nice sideline in placatory local party politics. The rest of the country should be truly thankful.

But spare a thought for Sunderland, governor. Not only do Maccams have to put up with being asked if they're Geordies every time they go out of the north east, the extent of poverty in Sunderland can be accurately measured by the number of religious parasites circling, ready to extract a higher fee than simple cowering loyalty. The GOD Channel have their UK offices there, the Sallie Army won't leave and used car addict Reg Vardy is busy paying for faith schools in the area with the (quite literal) blessing of High Covenant Priest Blair. The next generation of military androids are on the production line. Please await further instructions before attacking a nominated nation.

Oh, and don't forget that the north east owns the copyright on 'humour'. Beyond Reeves and Mortimer (below), this is hard to believe but all sorts of product endorsements by the aforementioned R&M have paved the way for all sorts of insidious adverts and business practices. The original-fucking-series of the Likely Lads is being aired again (nice timing BBC, it's almost as if you've got a death wish - surely not, Richard Ryder?) and still Ross Noble thinks that by saying 'house' in his slightly-scary-surreal-John-Noakes-on-acid-kinda-way he's being funny.

'Shite' is not a way of saying 'shit' that is exclusive to the north east. Haddaway and piss off you war supporting, parochial, politically diseased, Blair sponsorers.