Yentob's towers
The 45 storeys of Alan Yentob’s gleaming schnozz are a gleaming paean to the power of commerce, oozing with bogie money and zit bonds (I'll stop now as I could get accused of anti-semitism, which I would strongly deny in anyone's face). Seriously though his skyscraping programme – the latest Imagine/massive expensive account generator – was enjoyable, especially those bits in Italy and the Woolworth tower, getting a cheap vicarious thrill from the vertiginous shots.
Yet Yentob was very keen to convey pro-American and anti-European loyalties in his priapic jack-off. The gothic exuberance of the Woolworth building and the absurdist Chrysler building look alright, but the origins of skyscrapers – big business overlords building modern temples to their own excessive power and wealth, in order to grab posterity by the lapels (if posterity wears a tailored jacket) and periodically shout ‘I used to be bigger than you’ll ever be!’ – celebrate the worst aspects of kapital and the US. Such aspects as the complete disregard for notions of ‘public’ in preference for the easy indulgence of bloated private monopolies that masquerade as culturally contiguous with the ‘pioneer spirit’, as the prosecutors of genocide and slavery were so wonderfully imbued with.
Yentob stood in capitalism’s children, in thrall to functioning lift machinery, making no attempt to distance himself from it all or question the moneygrabbing culture (because, hey, we live in a commoditised world where arts and culture are expected to fornicate business on a thrice-daily basis; anything that doesn’t isn’t playing The Game. That's why people still seek to justify Hirst, Emin and co’s lamentable 90s Britart). The king kong skit was cute though.
But Alan’s much more cultured than the context he celebrates, hence the advice to tune in this week when he will blame the French for shite high-rises in the UK due to the involvement of Corbusier in designing the originals (in the 30s). Check the anti-semiotism.
Proceed to NuCull./
Soccer coverage
Gradually, Cull is becoming ever more incapable of coping with the MASSIVE games being played out by some MASSIVE clubs in MASSIVE COMPETITIONS, presided over by Tyldsley’s MASSIVE face and MASSIVE HUBRIS. We’re dying in MASSIVE.
These games are very much touch and go, if you like. These games could all turn on the referee. These games are bigger than anything that has ever been seen before – they are simply huge. You’ve got to go back to the dinosaurs [Shhhh! don’t equate the product with dead species – marketing] to find a bigger, er, thing. (Is there anything better than selling TV coverage of sporting fixtures, because it’s totally unaccountable? No there isn’t. Even if they’re a set of negative cash-concerned fixtures, the punters can’t blame the broadcasters who’ll be the first to lay the blame at the players’ feet and heads.)
After the Mickey Mousers/Hounslow face-off, I reckon they’ll have to rewrite the Guinness history book of huge... Christ alone knows what they’d say, but it may only be a sound. Opined Frank Size, Group Chief Exec at Large Fixtures Inc: “It’s big. Around the same size as massive.” Added another: "It’s a game whose proportions can only be wibbed at – nothing less than ‘massively big’ will suffice in its description.”
So remember kids: the next game is always the most massive… No other description warrants widerife
Thanks
Art Malik
Memes Disseminator
Enormous Boons Society
Winners Warehouse Complex
Yorktown, Camberley, Surrey
